my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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