I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
