well I can't set my house on fire every night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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