you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
