You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
