I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
