My cat gives me a boner
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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