she woke up with a sticky ear
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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