My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
