cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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