I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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