I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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