Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
