Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
