i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
