Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
