so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
