Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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