i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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