Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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