my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
