you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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