Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
