happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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