Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
