This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
