you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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