Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
