An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm really busy with my period
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