My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
