I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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