Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
