Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
