The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
