Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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