Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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