and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
