how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
