Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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