Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
there is puke in my bra ... again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
