oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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