So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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