Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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