I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
