How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
