Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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