Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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