therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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