I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
