Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
sex in a hospital.. check
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
